Harbor Springs — You know it. I know it. We all know it. They are ugly, cumbersome, unnecessary, and a perfect example of our obsessive compulsive faux health and optimization culture.
People today are desperately concerned with knowing the precise amount of water they consume every single day. Never before in human history have so many people lived their lives like little science experiments. Every ounce of H2O is logged and monitored in an Apple Watch, alongside steps, heart rate, and sleep.
That no one on earth carried a water bottle until 30 seconds ago is one of those historical facts that has been curiously forgotten.
Why?
Because the new culture is generally lamer than the old one, and people don’t want to be reminded of the fact that things are just lamer now. Constantly dragging a water bottle around is less elegant than asking for a glass of water when you sit down to eat. The water bottle is indicative of a society that is overly worried and neurotic. It’s dorky.
What did those poor souls do before the advent of the water bottle? Did they suffer in silence? Were there dehydrated bodies scattered along the highways in 1992? How did we, as a society, manage before the water bottle?
Water fountains. That’s how we managed. They worked just fine. Growing up, no one had water bottles in school. I remember my parents being shocked at the very thought of spending money on a bottle of water. They thought it was crazy, and they weren’t alone. “Water is free from the faucet!”
Water bottles, whether disposable or reusable, were simply not a thing. Outdoorsmen, relax: I’m not talking about canteens. Embarking on a 200-mile hike in the desert with a canteen is not the same as showing up to your email job where you sit on your butt all day with a $35 smart water bottle synced to your iPhone.
If you were thirsty back in the day, you found a water fountain down the hallway, put your right thumb on that flat metal button, pushed down, and took a sip of the cool water bubbling from the resting spout. You asked for a glass of water at the restaurant. You filled up your cup at the sink before dinner.
That was it. It was fine. I was there.
Yes, the water bottle is lame. But it’s also kind of irritating for the carrier. Those who have only known water bottle world don’t realize that dragging around a bottle of water is actually kind of annoying. You are always worried about “your water bottle.” Your arms are never free. You are always lugging your lifeline along.
We carry a lot more things than we did in the past too. Look at old videos of people walking on the street. No backpacks, no water bottles, no phones. Just wallets and keys. Freedom.
Another thing about the water bottle is its assault on style. Can you look stylish with a water bottle? Really think about that for a minute. The nicest, most subtle, and classy water bottle on earth is still a detriment to style. Think about this way: Is there any way an outfit might be made better with the addition of a water bottle? No.
Look at all those old photos. People looked so cool. It doesn’t matter the era. Just pick one. The refined early 20th century, the modern midcentury, the groovy 1970s, the futuristic ’80s, the grungy ’90s. What’s the one thing thing you never see in any of those old photos of great-looking guys and girls? The water bottle.
Coincidence? I think not.
Can we return?
Harbor Springs gives us a glimpse of what a water-bottle free future may look like. Scattered around downtown Harbor Springs are beautiful, bubbling water fountains. All summer long, all winter long; these traditional watering holes wait for the occasional passerby.
No drab, modern steel. No orange Nalgene bottle covered in jam-band stickers. An old brick base with a simple spout gurgling fresh water 24/7 on Bay Street. A beautiful spigot protruding from a single stone offers water without end over on Main. Another solid stone fountain providing sustenance across the street and down half a block.
These water fountains are practical and beautiful. They complement the surroundings and elevate the scene. The sound of trickling water is soothing as you slowly walk by on a quiet afternoon. They remind me of the nasoni water fountains scattered all around Rome. The polar opposite of water-bottle world.
Is there elegance in water bottle world? Is there style? Is there freedom? No. Of course, it’s good to drink water. But there are better ways to do so.
Return to the water fountain.
O.W. Root is a writer based in Northern Michigan, with a focus on nature, food, style, and culture. Follow him on X @NecktieSalvage.
