Skibidi rizz aura maxxing, or whatever the Gen Alpha kids are saying. Unclear what this means but we like the vibe.
Skibidi rizz aura maxxing, or whatever the Gen Alpha kids are saying. Unclear what this means but we like the vibe.
Did you know “Ohio” is Gen Alpha slang for something strange or weird? We support this. These kids are alright.
Vintage ’80s vinyl is the peak of the medium, mixed and mastered specifically for it. The rich soundstage is incredible.
Nice as a collectible object, great to support artists you love, but often underwhelming acoustically. If you find a new band that sounds better on vinyl, they really know their stuff!
Reports saying that “goth girls” are majorly popular right now. Wearing black will never go out of style.
You don’t need Japanese selvedge denim for your office job. The workwear trend is over.
Is coffee good for you??? How many articles do we need on this? Yes, it’s good for you. Drink up.
Tastes like medicine and filled with God-only-knows-what strange chemicals. Get yourself a cup of joe instead.
Your grandma was right—not only is plain old Aspirin the best painkiller for that headache, it’s a potent remedy for illness, inflammation, and some say even depression.
Unless it’s on doctor’s orders, please steer clear of the world’s most potent, and dangerous, opioid.
Genuine authenticity matters, especially in a symbol of love. Must we say it again? There’s nothing like the real thing.
They may look like diamonds, sparkle like diamonds, and cost less than diamonds, but you’ll always know they’re synthetic copies.
Road trip vibes are immaculate. Nothing like a motor running, fresh tunes, gas station coffee, and the open road.
Speed is the only virtue of flying. Cramped seats, stale air, and getting groped in security are the costs. A sad decline from air travel’s former days of luxury.
Timeless classics, never out of style. We’ll forgive them for selling out to Luxottica.
Reminder that these exist and no one uses them. Turns out, people like their real eyeballs better than Apple’s replacements.
The original game of world domination (played by two guys who can barely run their own lives).
Have you heard of “speed monopoly”? You just take turns punching each other in the arm until everyone gets mad and leaves. Same result as the game!
Nothing like the smell of real wood burning and crackling in the fire. Well worth the hassle.
Burning natural gas just isn’t the same. Convenient, sure, but they fall short of the real thing in every way.
New Year’s Eve is the perfect time for a nice stogie. We like a nice maduro, from Honduras or Nicaragua, or maybe even Cuba… we won’t tell.
Emptying out a nice cigar (well, swisher sweets aren’t exactly nice) and filling it with weed? Grow up!
Pure electricity, you can feel the difference with fresh pressed orange juice. The miracle of the modern supply chain means fresh oranges even in winter. Worth the hassle, every time.
The fancy cold-pressed stuff is OK, but the standard commercial heat-pressed varieties… once you squeeze some oranges yourself, you can never go back.
If you got Legos for Christmas, boy, are you lucky… the best children’s toy there is.
Ugly dolls for media-obsessed redditors who never learned how to “do adulting.”
Crochet and its more elaborate cousin, knitting, are “so back.” Many are saying this. Much better use for your fingers than scrolling.
What’s worse, the impending carpal tunnel syndrome from swiping with your thumb all day, or the guaranteed brain rot?
Reject this woke, all-inclusive greeting that actually means nothing to no one.
The perfect hobby, form and function united. Put down the controller and make something with your hands, fellas.
Still wasting time playing this decade-old crime and murder simulator? Let it go, king, and get yourself a band saw and some lumber instead.
The coziest game of all time, and it somehow also teaches you some basics of farming and entrepreneurship (and how to fight skeletons in caves).
The children may yearn for the mines, but all that time spent digging in Minecraft would be better spent building something real (or at least a virtual farm).
Eggnog is a great winter treat. Especially homemade with real eggs and just a bit more nutmeg than the recipe calls for. Add a little brandy… Merry Christmas.
Milk-based cocktails you can make yourself are always better, like White Russians.
Too strong on the coffee and chocolate notes, too over-hopped. Maybe there’s a good one in London somewhere, but generally, they’re over the top.
There’s no substitute for holding a real book in your hand. Spring for the hardcover for ones you really love, they do last longer.
Convenient, sure, but you’re missing out on the physical experience. In the digital age, flipping real pages is a small luxury.
The real cure to the loneliness epidemic. Go out, talk to people. You might make some friends, or even meet that special someone!
Dating apps don’t work, and their fading popularity testifies to that. People are done with the apps.
A certified Michigan classic. Even the e-girls have caught on. Will keep you warm all winter.
Enough already. Time to retire the beanie, from the slouchy hipster beanie to the neon Carhartt garb.
The warm light from an incandescent bulb, full-spectrum, with no flicker. We swear it feels more cozy.
Sure, they last longer and use less energy, but the flicker rate and light spectrum feel unnatural. The new LED streetlights are particularly offensive.
Worth the effort, every time. Pro-tip: Smash the garlic with the flat edge of your knife, then the peel comes right off.
An affront to Italians everywhere. Lazy and sub-par compared to the real thing.
Hard working cashiers are the last line of defense between civilization and the machines. Having your groceries bagged for you should be normal, though it feels luxurious.
Alienation, automation, the machines are taking jobs! More important, who really enjoys bagging their own groceries?
Enjoyers, rest easy—you all made the nice list this year (rumor has it Gov. Whitmer made the naughty list…). Make sure to leave out some raw milk and cookies!
Where do they think the presents even come from? Like, they just appear under the tree? So unserious.
The delightful belgian ale with the pink elephant logo (not the debilitating effects of late-stage alcoholism).
Unless you’re literally in Dublin, or you have a genuine Irish bartender who knows how to pour it right and keeps the tap fresh… not worth it.
We must protect the Rizzler at all costs. Or, as the French call him, ‘le charismeur.’
Reports confirm that A&F is back in a big way. Not just for 2000s nostalgia, their new stuff is cool and well made.
Athleisure is as dead as disco. Skip the form-fitting polyester and wait for the inevitable retro ‘90s rebrand in a few years.
Authenticity is always worth the hassle, not to mention the fresh smell of pine.
Fake plastic, fake tree, fake Christmas. Every time you look at it, you know it isn’t real.
The classic lidded pot for braising, stews, baking, etc. Le Creuset is a status symbol, but any enameled cast iron will get the job done.
Imagine cooking your food in a plastic diaper just to save a few minutes cleaning a pot. Disgraceful.
That subtle flare is the difference between being in style, and being out of style, according to the latest Gen Z dictates.
Another millennial staple gone the way of the dodo bird. Hide them in the closet with your skinny jeans until they inevitably stage a comeback in the 2030s.
Rendered beef fat is all the rage, from cooking to skin care. McDonald’s used to use it, and many say the fries were better.
Rapeseed oil (aka “Canola” oil, a clever rebrand) makes you fat. We’d explain the science, but just trust us. Another fake processed oil, closer to motor oil than anything belonging in your pantry.
The Thanksgiving classic for good reason, pumpkin pie hits just right after turkey.
Maybe if you made it with real chocolate, but store bought gooey fake chocolate never satisfies.
Thank your local firefighters, especially when they save you from burning your house down with that deep fried turkey.
Doesn’t taste any better than a roast bird. Not worth burning your house down, like people do every year (pro tip: thaw the bird first if you insist on this).
We’re pro skiing in general, but especially with Shaggy’s skis, custom made in northern Michigan.
Unless you’re rocking sick halfpipe tricks at the Olympics, stick to winter’s original mode of transportation, skis.
Nothing keeps you warmer, or has better vibes, than a real wood stove in the winter time.
What even are these things? Fake simulations of a fire with an uncanny glow. Go with the real thing, or don’t bother!
Eating the heart of your first deer is a time-honored tradition, one we fully support.
Well, they’re better than fake meat. But they still never satisfy like the real thing.
Return to tradition and play the most iconic shooter of all time.
Dropping into Tilted Towers may have been fun in 2018, but Fortnite lost its aura with the first virtual Travis Scott concert.
It’s an iconic thanksgiving tradition and we won’t hear otherwise.
Look, we respect the effort, but it simply doesn’t hit like the canned sauce does.
Mert’s Meats in Okemos stocks all your carnivorous necessities, like Camel and Alligator.
Skip this big chain and check out your local farmer’s market, butcher, and produce stands instead.
We have strong opinions about women’s hairstyles at Enjoyer HQ. A big one? The side part is back.
Unless you’re the wife (or mistress) of a mob boss, ditch the acrylics.
Hear us out on this one… tangy dill pickles on a white pizza really hits different.
Most pizza joints do this so wrong, with soggy canned mushrooms. Unless they’re locally foraged and roasted, steer clear.
No Fall is complete without a Twin Peaks rewatch (or first watch, if you’ve never indulged in David Lynch’s cult classic drama).
We respect that they keep making them, and support those who enjoy them… but can’t stomach them ourselves.
Trader Joe’s frozen microwave meals are soulless, and two buck Chuck (now four buck Chuck) gives the worst hangovers ever.
Sources tell us this is key to increasing your metabolism. Somehow. Just don’t stare right into the light.
Touching grass is one thing, but plugging your bed into the third prong of an electrical outlet? We refuse to believe it.
The Midwest emo band, not the sport. Well, also the sport. But the band, they’re the sound of fall in the Midwest.
Did you know pet squirrels were popular pets in colonial America? It’s time to return to tradition.
Bourbon is the real American Whiskey (Rye, too). On election day especially, you’re gonna need it.
Scotch whisky is so overrated. No surprise for a drink flavored by roasting barley over burning dirt (peat).
You do know that DST makes you get up an hour earlier all summer, right?
Cedar-lined, dry saunas are the key to getting through a Michigan winter. Preferably outdoors with a wood stove.
Don’t fall for the meme, cold plunges are stressful for your body and, even worse, highly unenjoyable.
When you pull up to the house handing out full-sized Reese’s Cups on Halloween, you know you hit the jackpot.
The terrible reign of Candy Corn as the Halloween candy of choice must end.
Timeless British classics, even though they’re made in China now. They even survived hipster appropriation.
Fermented sourdough bread with butter is a true pleasure of life. Less gluten, naturally.
The whole wheat meme has gone on long enough. Not healthier, tastes worse, stop punishing yourself.
Yet another millennial beloved by the zoomers. Sources tell me, even Trump stans Bladee.
British friends of Enjoyer tell us she’s a “fake chav who’s secretly posh.” The evidence is damning. A brat—and not a cool one.
Uggs are back, we proclaim. Just… maybe not for men. Unless you’re Michigan legend Tom Brady.
These strange toed boots of wannabe coastal aesthetes would never survive a Michigan winter.
Rumor has it they served this on Epstein island. Or, at least, that he was connected with the owner.
The superior coffee brewing method. So iconic, it’s in the Museum of Modern Art.
Perfect for an over-brewed, bitter tasting cup of coffee with lots of grit in it. If that’s your thing.
The best supermarket ice cream brand by far. Cream, eggs, sugar—no funny business.
Hearing reports that Ben (and possibly Jerry) have gone woke. Overrated ice cream anyways.
Military surplus clothing and accessories are trending in a big way. Cheap, rugged, and affordable.
Most thrift shops are overpriced resellers these days. Unless you find a true bargain, the best days of thrifting are sadly over.
This Traverse City company nails it with their crispy kettle chips.
Fall is here in the mitten and that means only one thing—time to dig out those thick wool socks.
Shoes make the man, as they say. Time to grow up and get a nice pair of leather shoes.
Unless you’re headed to the track or the basketball court, it’s time to ditch the sneakers.
If you were going into combat tomorrow… you’d want a Casio on your wrist (or a Rolex).
The halfway point between cheap materials and a faux luxury aesthetic.
The truest physical medium for audio. Timeless and irreplaceable, albums as physical objects.
The original Midwest card game. Go it alone, win all five tricks, score 4 points! Just be sure not to renege…
Unless you have a cigar in hand and hard cash on the table, the 2000s poker craze is played out.
Millennials went too far with this off-color card game… stopped being funny a decade ago.
Get out and listen to music the way it’s meant to be heard. Live and in the flesh.
Traditional, pristine, get your kids to scoop out the seeds and carve one with you.
Gaudy plastic figures filled with stale air… did someone call for a bow and arrow?
Frat boy allegations aside, Jägermeister is the superior herbal digestif.
Don’t let the zoomers fool you, there will NOT be a skinny jean renaissance any time soon.
God’s hydration. If only there were coconuts in Michigan… we’ll let it slide.
Worth every penny (and you better start digging in the couch, you’ll need them).
These cheap chairs are everywhere… once you start seeing them, you can’t unsee.
Hard yes. Fresh, crisp apples straight from the trees. Apple pie is inevitable.
Is it really worth picking a fresh pumpkin that you won’t even eat? Stick to the apples…
Perfect for those crisp Michigan fall days. Midwest Nice—a personal favorite.
Live in the pod, eat the bugs. They’ll happily do that instead of you (and give you eggs).
Gave the boys a pack of these and they raved for days. A great smoke—plain and simple.
No better feeling than cashing in those tickets for candy and plastic toys.
You realize this is just another tax, right? A few players win, the rest goes to the government.
Sitting out back of the dive with a drink in hand is one of life’s rare pleasures.
Imagine being seen on one of these. Don’t accidentally take it on the highway!
Look, they’re cool—but above the Mason-Dixon line, it’s stolen valor if you don’t really ride horses.
Skip the fluoride and pesticides, choose a nice mineral water instead (or get a filter).
Double butterburger deluxe, cheese curds, custard, and root beer. Your soul will thank you.
Otherwise known as “Wife Pleasers” or an even more unsavory name… these are back in a big way.
Milk and ice cream from the DQ counter, who’d have thought. Have you ever tried to eat a cone with a mustache? Not recommended.
Your swing speed doesn’t matter once you’re slicing it out on the course.
Real sugar straight from your very own maple trees. Treat yourself to some genuine sweetness.
Who decided this weird herb should be in every drink? Gross fake sweetness tricking your taste buds.
Vibes on campus hit different that first week back (until papers start coming due).
Not the boats—the awkward “getting-to-know-you” games the prof makes you play after droning on about the syllabus… mortifying.
Pre-packaged chai concentrate? No thank you. Unless it’s the real deal, we steer clear.
All the gear in the world won’t change the fact that you’re a yuppy who can hardly even pitch a tent.
Pure ’90s arcade vibes, but impossible to actually play without crashing.
Charging stations for your iPhone in Detroit parks? Touch grass instead.