Petoskey — We may drive on the same chewed-up roads and complain about the schizophrenic weather, but we aren’t all the same. The Yoopers are their own thing. So are Metro Detroiters. And so are we psychopaths who live Up North.
We northerners have a standard Michigan driver’s license, but the truth is we deserve our own ID. We shouldn’t be lumped in with the tourists who flitter up to the North when the warm weather arrives. We deserve special privileges.
Even when we are visiting another town on the lake, we aren’t tourists. We all suffered the same desolate winter. We all have the same shared experience of the annoying tourists clogging up the roads, stores, and beaches and changing the general pace of life. We all hate the tourists, even if we know we need them. It’s what we say to one another when you’re not listening.
I was in the checkout line at the Family Fare in Frankfort in the heat of the summer. Waiting behind two tourists gently setting their produce on the belt, I looked around at everyone in the store and could just about tell who was a tourist and who was a local. Yet, there was doubt here and there. I even realized I looked like a bit of a tourist myself. I was staying in a cottage nearby and looked like it.
As the clerk was scanning our bourbon, cheese, bread, and lettuce, I felt an inescapable urge to scream out, “I’m not a tourist, I swear. I hate the tourists, just like you do. I live Up North, farther north than here! I’m not one of these temporal ghosts from Chicago who comes up for a week in July. I live here!”
But I didn’t. I just stood there waiting for the bagger to finish, slid my card, and said, “Thank you very much.” I walked out to my car wishing there was some way I could have shown that I was a northerner too. Someway to let him know that I am not like “them,” the tourists. If only we had an Up North ID.
It could be done. You could apply at the Secretary of State for your Up North ID. They would check your address, and as long as it’s Up North, you would receive your official ID in 7-10 business days.
What rights might the Up North ID grant individuals?
There needs to be a few parking spots set aside at every beach in every town. Up North ID only. Perhaps restaurants should hold a few tables for local residents. It’s fair to wonder if Meijer should have a designated check out lane, and even a few self-checkouts reserved for us northerners. In a just world, living here all year would bring with it the privilege of transcending the tourists in the summer.
Of course, all decisions would be left to local jurisdictions, and whatever material benefits may or may not be awarded, there is a single non-material benefit that the Up North ID would carry with it: pride. No longer would we suffer the embarrassment of possibly being misidentified as a tourist while at home. We could rest easy knowing that an Up North ID will clear up any possible confusion.
It’s an interesting thing living Up North. The place where people vacation but never stay. Some visitors have told me they think it would feel weird to live here, that even if they could find a job, it wouldn’t feel right because this is where they go to vacation. It’s a separate place to them. It’s the most beautiful place in the state, but they don’t want to live here.
They couldn’t handle it here. That’s the harsh truth. To live Up North you have to love nature more than you love people. You have to see the beauty in the desolation. You have to like it quiet. Even when it’s lonely, you like it more.
You love it most those two weeks after Labor Day when the tourists all go home. When the streets are empty, but the weather is still warm. The beach is quiet, and the water is perfect. It’s a private summer. It’s a gift that’s reserved just for us. We don’t need the ID for that one.
There’s a lot of different people who live Up North. We span socio-economic brackets. There are different sub-cultures. Some hunt. Some fish. Some sail. Some golf. Some drive trucks, some Subarus. Some wear camo, some boat shoes. But the truth is that we are all from Up North, and that means something. We all live where the faint of heart only visit.
Ultimately, we are not just visitors. And so we need an Up North ID.
O.W. Root is a writer based in Northern Michigan, with a focus on nature, food, style, and culture. Follow him on X @NecktieSalvage.
