Get out and listen to music the way it’s meant to be heard. Live and in the flesh.
Get out and listen to music the way it’s meant to be heard. Live and in the flesh.
Traditional, pristine, get your kids to scoop out the seeds and carve one with you.
Gaudy plastic figures filled with stale air… did someone call for a bow and arrow?
Frat boy allegations aside, Jägermeister is the superior herbal digestif.
Don’t let the zoomers fool you, there will NOT be a skinny jean renaissance any time soon.
God’s hydration. If only there were coconuts in Michigan… we’ll let it slide.
Worth every penny (and you better start digging in the couch, you’ll need them).
These cheap chairs are everywhere… once you start seeing them, you can’t unsee.
Hard yes. Fresh, crisp apples straight from the trees. Apple pie is inevitable.
Is it really worth picking a fresh pumpkin that you won’t even eat? Stick to the apples…
Perfect for those crisp Michigan fall days. Midwest Nice—a personal favorite.
Live in the pod, eat the bugs. They’ll happily do that instead of you (and give you eggs).
Gave the boys a pack of these and they raved for days. A great smoke—plain and simple.
No better feeling than cashing in those tickets for candy and plastic toys.
You realize this is just another tax, right? A few players win, the rest goes to the government.
Sitting out back of the dive with a drink in hand is one of life’s rare pleasures.
Imagine being seen on one of these. Don’t accidentally take it on the highway!
Look, they’re cool—but above the Mason-Dixon line, it’s stolen valor if you don’t really ride horses.
Skip the fluoride and pesticides, choose a nice mineral water instead (or get a filter).
Double butterburger deluxe, cheese curds, custard, and root beer. Your soul will thank you.
Otherwise known as “Wife Pleasers” or an even more unsavory name… these are back in a big way.
Milk and ice cream from the DQ counter, who’d have thought. Have you ever tried to eat a cone with a mustache? Not recommended.
Your swing speed doesn’t matter once you’re slicing it out on the course.
Real sugar straight from your very own maple trees. Treat yourself to some genuine sweetness.
Who decided this weird herb should be in every drink? Gross fake sweetness tricking your taste buds.
Vibes on campus hit different that first week back (until papers start coming due).
Not the boats—the awkward “getting-to-know-you” games the prof makes you play after droning on about the syllabus… mortifying.
Pre-packaged chai concentrate? No thank you. Unless it’s the real deal, we steer clear.
All the gear in the world won’t change the fact that you’re a yuppy who can hardly even pitch a tent.
Pure ’90s arcade vibes, but impossible to actually play without crashing.
Charging stations for your iPhone in Detroit parks? Touch grass instead.
Renting them by the minute with an app just to avoid using your legs… no one asked for these to plague every downtown.
Michigan Summer means fishing and jumping off the pier with your buddies.
Ann Arbor’s legendary arcade (rumors exist of an East Lansing location too?). Get to its iconic basement location before it moves next year!
Fancy olive oil in a plastic squirt bottle. A millennial marketing guru’s wet dream.
Nothing beats tooling around a parking lot in your cool uncle’s firebird. Mustache and mullet required.
Amazon should ditch their trucks and really go green, like they’re forced to do on Mackinac Island.
Excellent beach, but swamped with tourists all summer. Locals know to steer clear.
Peaters could be here… full sugar Coke is a potent elixir, touted by esoteric health gurus (do NOT google “Dr. Ray Peat”) and e-girls alike.
Downtown Holland’s latest gem. Get yourself a blueberry donut to go.
Overpriced kitschy cherry candy, cherry salsa, cherry wine… cherry everything, for tourists only.
Summer ice cream hits different at the seasonal, old school Dairy Queens with just an outdoor counter.
Vintage trucker hats from golf courses, car dealerships, engine clubs… the anti “dad cap”.
Yuck. A necessity for backwoods adventurers, but who can stomach the sickly fumes otherwise?
Oakleys walk the line between irony and functionality. They have Y2K nostalgia, but your kids won’t hate you for wearing them. Vintage pairs best found on eBay.
Beer snobs have gaslighted us for too long. These overly engineeredextra-hoppy brews taste terrible. They’re virtually a built-in ad for Excedrin.
Soybean, Canola, etc. Did you know they make you sunburn? And are generally awful for you? Skip the FDA recommendation on this one and stick to good ol’ saturated fat.
What’s the matter, scared of the real thing? One of nature’s potent elixirs of strength. Full of probiotics and enzymes. The weak fear raw milk. Only legally sold as “pet food,” and “bath milk,” but really, whatever you do with it is up to you.
It’s not “oat milk,” it’s “canola oil with oat flavoring.” Full of enough emulsifiers to make it viscous and wreck your microbiome. A gross, fake attempt at substituting dairy.
Hit the links at this gorgeous golf course carved out of an old Gypsum mine just west of Grand Rapids. If you’re prone to slicing, bring some extra beers. You’re gonna need them.
You’re driving along the highway then BAM, your heart drops into the pit of your stomach, the red lights start flashing behind you. You’re getting pulled over. Never as bad as it seems, but still—a $150 ticket and a long court appearance for going 10 over the limit. That’s just bad luck.
Jellyfish are pretty—but they do sting. Another reason saltwater is overrated. You can’t even drink it!
Ditch the outboard and hoist the main. Sailing makes you aware of the world. You aren’t conquering the water by cutting through the chop and wind with a two-stroke, you’re working to find harmony. Plus, sailing isn’t just for the yacht club crowd: a little boat won’t break the bank and you never have to gas up. You just have to wait for a breeze and set off.
The Michigan nanny state wants to fine you for piloting your wake boat too close to the shore. They’ll get out their measuring tapes and wag their fingers in your face for simply enjoying yourself on the water. Here’s a thought; trust boaters to act responsibly, let Michiganders protect their own lakes, stop policing the boating equivalent of a microaggression in yet another craven revenue scheme.
Hearing reports that Charli XCX has gone woke?? Brats are NOT to be trusted. Go celebrate the REAL “brat summer” and enjoy a nice bratwurst instead, kings.
The birds, not the people. Not to be confused with ducks, geese, or other web-footed aquatic birds. You can spot them on freshwater lakes throughout Michigan, eating fish and pebbles from the bottom (gotta get that fiber somehow).
These European invaders have been the scourge of the Great Lakes since the 1980s, when they were released in the ballast of cargo ships. Now the beaches of the Great Lakes are festooned with their sharp shells, and water-shoe makers are making tidy profits off of Michiganders. If anyone has any eradication ideas, we’re taking suggestions.
Heading north from Pentwater on Bass Lake 500, swing around the tight corners, cut through the forest. Old cabins and gravel driveways line the road. The canopy of trees opens up, and an old sign that reads “Fish” appears on the right. This is where Bortell’s Fisheries lives.
A concrete building painted with a name, date, and a few fish. An array of fresh fish under glass. A fryer sizzling in the corner. Family-owned, 126 years old. The workers behind the counter are the sixth generation.
Picnic tables on green grass, overlooking the big lake. Waves rolling in. Evening sun shining. Wind in my hair. It’s 2024, but it could be 2004 or 1974. It’s heaven in this hidden corner on the Big Lake.
Garish neon goggles for guys who got cut from their JV basketball team. Adopted ironically, but irony is only cool for so long.
A classic sub counter serving up sandwiches the old fashioned way. You’ll find it down a hallway in a random office building in downtown Grand Rapids. Straight up subs—lunch meat, fresh bread, all the classic toppings. A nice Coke to wash it down. Always hits.
Safetyism to the extreme. It’s like a mask for your cone. Eat your ice cream unprotected like a man (or child).
Michigan’s best independent grocery store. Crazy selection of fresh produce, groceries, pizza, and even a beer garden. Lansing, Kentwood, and Battle Creek—you guys are spoiled.
Cheap Chinese plastic in bright fluorescent lighting, along with the worst produce sections in all of Michigan. No thanks.
Real pinball heads know. If you show up at your local pinball place and they have Elvira… they’re legit. One of the most iconic tables of all time.
For some inexplicable reason, the governor’s youthful, tapped-in social media team has been posing a Barbie doll meant to resemble her. “Lil Gretch,” the character is called.
Maybe this is meant to show little girls that they too could become governor, but it’s undeniably cringe. The governor’s office is no place for toys.
This isn’t the status symbol owners think it is. It is a Michigander’s duty to reject Japanese-made cars. But somehow driving a British car is even worse. Endless repairs, for what? That strange microwave box people put on the rear window doesn’t even look that cool.
Full-sized, curvy-bodied V6 with leather seats and decades of legacy. Rides like a dream. Even has a French name. They sure don’t make them like this anymore—but great news, you can find them used for less than two grand!
Michigan has insanely good Mexican food—too many spots to list. When you see the tiny roadside building with just a neon sign and a single table inside, you know the birria tacos are going to change your life.
Skip the seed-oil-filled garbage snacks at your local highway rest stop. Take the next exit, and find the nearest hole-in-the-wall hot dog stand or taco place instead.
Creed. For years, Nickelback and Creed were safe targets for jokes. According to the internet humor of the 2010s, these late rock bands have no value beyond their memeability. That is until their halftime performance at the November 2001 Dallas Cowboys Thanksgiving Day game went extremely viral on Twitter.
Although the video is dated, it became clear to Gen Z that this era of rock has its merits. The anti-Creed psyop was exposed, and Creed has been recognized for the excellent band they are.
By the mid-2000s, Eminem lost his Detroit tweaker aggression and seemed to lose his artistic spark along with it. His 2017 BET Awards Trump freestyle was rock bottom. How did one of the most subversive acts of all time become indistinguishable from activist-rapper Macklemore. The establishment should rejoice that Eminem’s message was neutered, or else he would command a loyal army of fans that would make the system deeply uncomfortable.
Michigan highway rest stops have free Naloxone now?? Perfect for your trip up north!
Keep your thin crust, we want those deep, crispy edges baked right in the pan. The real Detroit style classic.
The (un)official beer of Michigan Summer. An easy drinking wheat ale with just a bit of citrus.
Don’t forget your flannel shirt, hoppy IPA and beard oil! Paying to throw an axe when you could chop real wood like a man for free… how embarrassing.
Laser tag is a lost art. Millennials and older Zoomers remember beautiful Saturday afternoon birthday parties thrown at a blacklight, air conditioning-blasted extraterrestrial planet inside a strip mall. We are due a laser tag revival.
This order is a red flag for women. Even bigger red flag for men. Be a man and drink a Zombie.
This 1934 rum punch was formulated as an ultra strong drink for a time when the average American’s alcohol tolerance was far higher. So for modern consumers, this cocktail is an intense experience. Truly delicious. Perfect way to beat the summer heat in Grand Rapids.
Custom 4-wheel off-roaders, buggies, ATVs, dirt bikes, whatever these intrepid Michiganders can cook up. Wheeling them hard through the dirt around a curve, a jump here and there, up and down the hills. Gasoline in their veins, what a blast.
You don’t get there by accident.
Driving. I pass Good Hart and then Cross Village. M-119 drops off and I keep going. The road gets worse. It’s one of those Michigan roads everyone jokes about. Cell phone service dies away, and Google Maps goes into offline mode. Come to a stop sign. Take the left onto N Lakeshore Drive. Surrounded by dunes on the right and the lake on my left. There are no designated parking spots. There’s only the craggy road. Pull off. No concession stand. No bathroom. No lifeguard. There’s no one here. There’s a party store that sells beer four miles away on W Sturgeon Bay Road.
Sad to say, the desolate sprawl in SE Michigan lies host to many a dilapidated house. Ruin-porn is so played out—find something new, you photographic leeches. Best not wander inside, you never know who’s sleeping in there.
The suburban surfboard on wheels, carving pavement, wind in your hair. Bomb down the hill. it’s all the same. Not transportation, freedom. Freedom to cruise the world on your own terms. If anything, they teach you how to fall with grace.
Relax, Michigander. Pull up a chair—an Adirondack chair, the perfect chair for chilling outdoors. Crack open a cold one and admire the view. The subtle recline, the sunken back seat, the bright colors usher you right into the spirit of a Michigan summer. Enjoy yourself and take it easy, this is how we win.
Whip-its cause brain damage, literally, that’s what produces their sensation. Don’t be tempted by the deals (two for $45!) at your local convenience store with bars on the windows. It’s not worth it, folks. (NOT speaking from experience or anything.)
Go far enough in Michigan, and you’ll find yourself on a dirt road. Maybe on the map, maybe not. No pavement, just vibes. This is how you know you’re really out there, in that remaining wilderness we call home. Kick it into 4-wheel-drive and see where the road takes you.
Hitting the dunes in a buggy is some of the best fun you can have in Michigan. The open throttle, the tires kicking up sand as you race along the beach. Just be careful you don’t take it a little too hot over a dune—but hey, that’s what the roll cage is for.
It doesn’t take a peer-reviewed study on EMFs to determine that AirPods are not cool. The battery life is awful and no matter how normalized they are, they look stupid.
Be an adult and stop complaining about wires being uncomfortable.
Compare them with the other regional cult-status corn dog, the Fletcher’s Corny Dog at the State Fair of Texas. What sets the Pronto Pup apart is its uniquely low batter-to-meat ratio. The Texas corny dog is wieldy and difficult to eat. The Pronto Pup is the embodiment of Midwestern engineering and pragmatism. A vastly more enjoyable dish.
Michigan tart cherries symbolize the tie of Michiganders to the land, and its ability for regeneration. They’re a potent anti-inflammatory, with just enough natural melatonin to help you sleep. They grow in the ground, they’re picked by farmers, and you’ll never see an obnoxious ad for them on TV like some big pharma pill. Go to the market, bring a basket, and buy some local fruit from a Michigan farmer you can look in the face.
Weed superstores. I don’t want to hear your high school debate team talking points about “tax revenue” or “personal liberty.” There shouldn’t be this many weed stores in Michigan. They make our state so much uglier and trashier—this is an observable fact.
Many Detroit bars have prominently displayed CCTV screens for patrons to keep an eye on their cars. Not as immediately entertaining as ESPN, but it can be hard to look away. Imagine if things got weird and you got to watch a bar fight or drug bust from the comfort of your barstool. Better television than anything cable can provide.
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