A cottage up north isn’t a “second home.” It isn’t a timeshare. It isn’t convenient. You aren’t seamlessly transitioning from one smart home to another. You’re traveling to another time.
Real up north cottages have 10 distinct features. Where other “second homes” may have status symbols, “save water, drink wine” posters or wetsuits gathering dust in the closet, Michigan cottages are just built different.
- A Croquet Set
An old croquet set tucked behind some old garden hoses and a few garbage cans. Cobwebs gather around the mallets. It’s a luxury home for a brood of spiders. Any quick movement will wake them. A new set won’t do. It has to be old. Decades. A green ball is missing. So is a yellow mallet. The ball was lost in the woods 15 years ago. Someone stepped on the mallet and cracked it one night after a few too many.
- A Canoe
Every cottage must have an old canoe. Even if nowhere near the water, it must have one. It hasn’t been used in years, but it lies there in wait. It’s a reminder that you’re here to waste time.
- Old Bikes
If you have a bunch of new well-oiled bikes at a place up north, that isn’t a cottage. That’s a house. The cottage must have a few old retro Schwinns hanging up on the wall in the garage. They are from the ’70s and ’80s. Green, yellow, blue, red. Simple and aesthetic. Rusty gears. You have to pump the tires up a little every time you ride. Next summer you’re going to replace them. You said that last summer, and the summer before that, and the summer before that.
- Radio
Bluetooth? No. The cottage must have an old radio. It’s tucked away in some cabinet. Somehow it still works after all these years. Classic rock reverberates against the wood paneling of the living room. You put on the baseball game in the background at that golden twilight hour before dinner. Laying in the hammock alone on the back deck, you hear it faintly. The water sparkles like diamonds. A sunfish slowly sails across the water. It’s the bottom of the sixth inning. Michigan summer.
- Old Games
The box of Clue has been taped up too many times to count. Monopoly is missing a quarter of the pieces. Old puzzles from the ’90s that haven’t been opened in a decade. Yahtzee still has some old used scorecards from years ago waiting in the box. Someone named Dave apparently beat Judy and it looks like Mike stopped playing halfway through.
- Bedsheets With Outdated Designs
You never buy new stuff for the cottage. It’s filled with holdovers from prior eras. New sheets at the cottage are actually 30 years old. They have ornate flowery designs that remind you of a grainy ’70s film. Comforters with geometric designs throw you back to the ’90s. Mismatched pillow cases. You always have more in the linen closet, but nothing matches.
- Mismatched Dishes
You can’t have a full set of matching dishes at the cottage. Maybe two or three plates are the same. A couple cups come from the same decade. A mug from some trip to Minnesota. A few of those old McDonalds Peanuts cups from the ’70s. The ones with Charlie Brown and Snoopy. Plastic plates from the ’80s that are great for taking down by the water. It doesn’t matter if you drop them, they float.
- Old Magazines
Every cottage has a stack of old magazines. They were brought up one by one and accidentally left in the bathroom, on the kitchen table, out on the screened-in porch, on a nightstand. The magazine you forgot sat all winter, and when you returned in June, it was waiting right where you left it. They’re time machines. You flip through them on the dock. You can’t believe 10 years have passed.
- Someone Else’s Bathing Suit
No cottage is complete without a drawer full of old bathing suits. Some were left by accident, some were brought to clean out home closets. They are all, however, old. They are there for the person who forgot theirs at home. It’s nice to have a complimentary bathing suit if you forgot yours. However, no one really loves wearing someone else’s bathing suit. There’s just something about it. It’s the price you pay for forgetting yours on your way up north.
- Squeaky Mattresses
The cottage isn’t updated with the latest and greatest Tempur-Pedic technology. The mattresses are old and squeaky. You aren’t slipping into bed silently after getting up for a drink of water. Any movement results in a cacophony of squeaks and creaks. The head board rattles. The sheets don’t quite fit right. You don’t care. At the end of the day, you’re so drained from the sun and the drinking that the springs feel like feathers.
In our decadent day and age, we worship convenience and technology. Our lives revolve around these idols. The cottage up north, however, does not. That is the beauty of it. All the old outdated furnishings don’t make you shudder. They make you smile.
O.W. Root is a writer based in Northern Michigan, with a focus on nature, food, style, and culture. Follow him on X @NecktieSalvage.
