Why I Fired O.W. Root
He had the gall to say he would never swim in Lake Erie
I regret to inform you that I’ve fired O.W. Root. He might dress nice and live a beautiful life up on Little Traverse Bay, but his take that he “would never swim in Lake Erie” disqualifies him from being a true Michigan Enjoyer.
Root claims that even the memory of when Lake Erie caught on fire in 1969 means that it’s safer to simply avoid one of Michigan’s four Great Lakes. Well, for one, that fire happened in Ohio (of course), and two, Lake Michigan Supremacists like him can have fun freezing their asses off all summer long.
For those who know, Lake Erie in the summer is a full 10 degrees warmer than Lake Michigan. While the Chicagoans pussyfoot on the sand in Traverse City and Grand Haven, too afraid to brave the frigid waters, Monroe County residents dive headfirst into the 76 degree water.
Lake Michigan may be fun to look at, but actually swimming in it reminds you of the last time you got into the shower and realized your hot water heater was broken. Lake Erie, on the other hand, feels more like an early June swimming pool. It hasn’t heated to bathwater quite yet and is incredibly refreshing.
To everyone who complains about how cold Lake Michigan is, might I suggest a different Great Lake, one that isn’t nearly 1,000 feet deep?
Another reason Lake Erie is great: There are actually native fish in it to catch. While thousands and thousands of salmon are dumped into Lake Michigan each year to create a fake fishery for the rich, we toothless hicks south of Detroit can hop in a dingy and catch a passel of walleye with no trouble at all.
No, I will not have one of my columnists besmirching the name of the lake where I spent my youth, on whose shores people hold lenten fish fries with fish actually pulled from the waters nearby.
I will concede that the lake has algal blooms, but those almost always have occurred near Ohio’s Maumee and Sandusky Bay. If anyone is to blame, let’s blame Cleveland. While the liquored-up ragers at Put-In-Bay might not be able to leave their boats, the good people of Monroe County can always get in the water safely.
Another thing that makes Erie better than Michigan? Lake Erie beachgoers don’t have to share the sand with half of Illinois.
We don’t have to drive behind the Bugattis of the Chicago elite who obviously have no clue where they’re going. And our shoreline isn’t beset by Airbnbs and tchotchke shops.
So farewell, O.W. This injustice will not stand. Have fun looking at the water. We’ll be going for a dip.
