Everyone Needs Data Centers But No One Wants Them

It seems American suburban life has become comfortable enough for the common person that, in the absence of more enjoyable and meaningful endeavors, social media moral panics are the national pastime with data centers serving as the current online crash-out.

But with some ingenuity and strategic placement, we could make some of the biggest concerns about data centers magically disappear.

In the meantime, data centers are a hot potato in the mid-term elections: Democratic gubernatorial candidate and Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson’s husband, Ryan Friedrichs, is a bigwig at Related Digital which is behind a proposed data center in Saline Township.

The greater issue is the growth of artificial intelligence and how to power it. Americans are clearly addicted to using AI and are handcuffed to digital content, but like hell do they want to deal with the repercussions of such behavior.

Regarding data centers, reality versus myth is almost impossible to determine: Are data centers resource killers, as many online influencers suggest? Do they drive up energy costs and turn water sources into toilet bowls?

The rumors circulate, the expert class pontificates, the leading-edge influencers engage, and the unwashed lose their minds and react the only way they can: reach for devices, look for like-minded persons, and wallow in collective outrage while generating more and more content requiring storage somewhere.

Data centers are here, and more are coming, no matter what any of us think. Southfield already has 12 data centers of various shapes and sizes embedded in the community. Royal Oak allegedly has a center hidden somewhere in the city, and word on the street suggests a large data center is conveniently tucked away and out of view somewhere in the Downriver, Metro Detroit area.

Livonia does not have any data centers—that we know of—and none have been proposed; however, members of the city council have acknowledged during meetings the growing public discontent the issue has elicited across social media.

According to sources in Livonia City Hall, a moratorium on data centers is expected before the end of the year.

Nobody anywhere wants data centers. Urbanites don’t want them. Suburbanites don’t want them. Ruralists don’t want them. Almost every city in Metro Detroit has moved toward curbing or banning the construction of additional tech storage structures.

But cities like Livonia are in a slight bind. Areas with the proper zoning and available space can be utilized for data storage with little ability for cities to stop it. Livonia may not have the space for a grand facility the size of five football fields, but a mid-sized center could easily slide into the community almost completely unnoticed.

Conspiracies abound. Paranoia proliferates. Supremely confident halfwits pontificate vast theories on corrupt business practices, politicians on the take, ruination of resources, and strains on power-grid infrastructure.

"We don't need them!" they post on Boomer-Book, completely missing the irony of lamenting data by creating more data.

A source with expertise on the matter spoke to the Enjoyer under the condition of anonymity due the tense nature of the issue.

“A lot of misinformation is out there on data centers,” the source said. “They add considerable high-paying jobs and revenue to cities while being highly efficient critical infrastructure. They are quiet, and use less water for cooling than people realize, and are adapting to renewable energy.”

That sounds pretty harmless, but I’m just a regular guy with no knowledge of the issue; how do I know for sure?

Nobody knows, and the issue is further convoluted by the politicization occurring around the populist fervor it ignites.

A Michigan House Committee hearing held Wednesday on the issue did not to make any conceivable determinations, but elected representatives got video clips for social media, which has to live somewhere.

This politician is for them; this one is against them. Yes, no, maybe so. Who knows?

The answer seems obvious to this writer—to hell with it: Stick all the data centers in Ohio, just over the state line. That state’s a shithole anyway, and the residents are savages. That’s a universal truth—completely inarguable.

Maybe all the data centers can be built along the state line, acting as a barrier between Michigan and Ohio. A protective wall of data centers keeping the residents of Ohio safely contained and sealed in their state.

This will provide us with storage ability and keep Michigan looking beautiful and pure, as it should be. Out of sight, out of mind.

Another interesting idea: Put some data centers just over the state line in Gary, Indiana. It’ll improve it in the process. South Bend is a debacle. Put a data center there, too.

Kidding, of course, but making a joke sure beats the widespread moral panic that’s taken over online and in city council meetings. The angry responses to this half-serious piece will probably generate enough data requiring another data center.

A balding 45-year-old incel with a 40-inch waist and 33-pound head will read this, curse my name, and go right back to constructing his AI girlfriend.