I can’t watch my old favorite Christmas comedies anymore because I don’t have cable. Thankfully, I’ve got Michigan politics. If you you haven’t been watching, last week was a classic.
The Plot:
The Democrat-controlled state legislature—which takes a full-time salary but took half the year off—saved its dirty work for the “lame duck” session, which falls between the day after the election and the New Year. That way, no politician has to answer for the vomit of legislation they vote for that the public doesn’t want. It’s bad. Really bad. Almost as bad as Canada.
Thankfully, the whole scheme fell apart last week when a solitary Democrat and the entire Republican caucus refused to show up. Instead of driver’s licenses for illegals, $1 billion for a billionaire, and tampons for schoolboys, the Democrats got a pie in the face. It did make for an amusing theater, however, featuring a marquee cast of nitwits, nincompoops, and nutcrackers.
The Players:
The Gretch who stole Christmas — Democrats (and lobbyists) were fuming that their feckless leader was AWOL for much of the session. Part of her time was spent hiding out in her hole up on Mount Crumpit, add another week for a “trade mission” to Spain. Either way, the citizens of Whoville failed to recognize Whitmer when she came down the mountain because her face had mysteriously changed once again.
The Bouncing Bumble — Poor House Speaker Joe Tate (D) was tasked with the job of the abominable snowman to herd the surly elves into the house for a vote. In the end, Tate got exposed as a toothless oaf whose future employment prospects appear to be in the field of janitorial services.
Cindy Lou Who Me? — Detroit Representative Karen Whitsett (D) starred as Cindy Lou Who Me, a conniver posing as a sweet and innocent school girl. Citing the lack of a “Black Agenda” as her reason for not showing up to work, the real reason why Whitsett skipped out may have been that Bumbling Joe would not bring legislation to the floor that would rain money upon her benefactors in the public-school racket. Whitsett thus blew up the whole Democratic gift exchange and now finds herself friendless in Whoville.
The Bully — Attorney General Dana Nessel likes to stick her beak in places it doesn’t belong. This time, our keyboard bully took to social media with the threat of arresting Whitsett and the no-show Republicans. But everybody has seen “A Christmas Story” a dozen times. When Ralphie finally stands up to Scut Farkas, the bully runs away screaming and clutching his bloody nose. In our version, everybody simply ignores Nessel.
Burgermeister MeisterMikey — The biggest loser of the local political season may have been Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan. It was proven once again that the jowly burgermeister has no coattails in Lansing. Duggan could not push through the $1 billion Renaissance Center redevelopment deal that would take from the city’s children while enriching his billionaire patron Dan “Scrooge” Gilbert. Enough is never enough for Ebeneezer Dan, even if Tiny Taysean has to go hungry.
Herr Duggan is so unpopular in the Motor City these days that he was forced to abandon the Democratic Party for his upcoming gubernatorial bid. It’s a race Duggan cannot win without mounds of Ebeneezer Dan’s misbegotten gold.
The Chorus — Finally, we visit the Land of the Misfit Media, where irrelevant “journalists” sit on an island reciting political talking points to themselves by a warm hearth. Among them are the writers who can’t write. The political bootlicker. The moralizing blowhard. And the guy who can’t stay off Twitter. Their fire is fueled by the pages of their unsold newspapers.
Charlie LeDuff is a reporter educated in public schools.
