Meet the World's First Transgender Cow

Elsie — The little town of Elsie, Michigan is obsessed with cows. Driving into town, big herds crowd around the farms. The buildings downtown are covered in cow murals. Right next to the small village hall, there’s even a big statue of one.

Elsie’s cow statue has a not-so-hidden secret, though. She’s actually a bull. This town has a transgender cow, perhaps the only one in the world.

Elsie is a small farming town, with just one little downtown intersection populated by an old Masonic lodge, a party store, and the village hall. A big mural across the entire side of a building reads, “Welcome Elsie, home of the Elsie Dairy Festival.” Painted cows traipse along the building across the block.

It’s not hard to see why Elsie is so obsessed with cows. Dairy farming, by and large, is the backbone of the local economy. Cows are everything in Elsie, in a pretty literal sense.

No surprise, then, that the humble citizens of Elsie might set up a cow statue as their local mascot. What’s less clear is the cause of its obvious gender confusion.

The story goes like this: Elsie’s famous cow statue began his life as a Black Angus bull statue at a local dairy farm. At some point, the town purchased him and set him up on Main Street. In a strange case of bovine-forced feminization, the town painted him with white spots, to look like a female cow.

He’s a pretty cow at first glance, with the white spots and all. Most passersby wouldn’t even notice the difference. A closer look, however, becomes alarming. Elsie’s cow has no udders. In fact, he still has his male parts hanging underneath.

This isn’t the type of cow you’d want to milk.

What’s going on up there in Elsie, that a bull-to-cow transgender is their mascot? Has Elsie gone woke?

Certainly not. Clinton County went for Trump in the last election, after all. As much as the Democrats might want to celebrate Elsie’s cow as a beacon of transgender inclusivity, the statue is far from a political statement.

In fact, it’s a joke. An amusing jest from a time when American culture took these social issues less seriously. A relic of the times before the great culture wars tore everything apart.

Back then, you could just buy a bull statue, paint it as a cow, and people would laugh. Whether it was meant to be intentionally funny, or it was just the cheapest statue they could find, it doesn’t really matter.

It became their beloved mascot, a funny roadside curiosity to stop off and giggle at when you’re pushing miles across their country roads. The men who erected it would have never once considered that, in the future, a bull painted like a cow might provoke an actual social issue.

Luckily, it hasn’t yet, and it shouldn’t, from either side. It would be a shame if the cow became a political issue. A burning issue for conservatives, a rallying point for liberals. Some demanding it be torn down, others protesting for transgender cow rights.

No, that would miss the point entirely, and muddle a simple wholesome statue in the insanity of our present social issues. The better thing to do is laugh and drive along. Take a lesson from the past, and don’t take a joke too seriously.

It’s just a funny statue, in the end, and it really ties Elsie’s little downtown together. Consider it a simple piece of jocular public art.