The greatest dairy/bakery/convenience store in mid-Michigan. Ice cream in one hand, coffee in the other, we’re calling it a Michigan affogato.
The greatest dairy/bakery/convenience store in mid-Michigan. Ice cream in one hand, coffee in the other, we’re calling it a Michigan affogato.
Formerly known as “Beaners.” Many say the coffee has been worse since the name change.
Fake plastic monopoly money. Even Canadian strippers don’t want them.
When you feel that gambling bug, get out to a real casino and play a little blackjack. Who knows, you might even get your drinks comped.
Playing casino games for real money on your iPhone is one of the most spiritually bankrupt experiences there is.
Thank you to our iconic First Lady for proving, once again, that Aviators are timeless glasses.
The store bought junk is just vegetable oil with flavorings. Steer clear!
Mineral water is all the rage, but wait till you try the iconic public drinking fountain in Harbor Springs.
Filled with microplastics, and no essential minerals. No good, wasteful, bad for your health and the environment.
The only true way to practice your game in those cold Michigan winter months.
The ‘90s have returned. Very cool and aesthetic when done tastefully. Plus, you can always take them out later when the trend inevitably dies.
You heard it here first—the millennial tattoo craze is finished. Hate us all you want, but this has always been a bad aesthetic.
Cheap digicams are back, for good reason. They look cool in the hand and have a nostalgic, washed-out aesthetic. Imperfection can be beautiful.
The better they make them, the worse the photos look. Too dependent on algorithms to fix their small size and wonky lenses.
You need to be draping yourself and your dwelling place in real furs and animal hides, especially in winter.
Fake plastic that looks gaudy and doesn’t keep you as warm as the real thing.
Michigan’s original sporting goods store, Dunham’s traces its roots back to West Bloomfield in 1937.
Founded in NY, now headquartered in Pennsylvania—two states that are NOT Michigan! Skip the mega chain and support a Michigan store instead.
Eating at a table in a restaurant makes you feel like a real person. Far more human than eating takeout on the couch in front of the TV.
Can someone explain why food from an app always tastes worse? Maybe it’s the midwestern shame of having food delivered. Maybe it’s paying twice as much with all the fees. We don’t know, but whatever it is, it’s worse.
Wool again takes the prize as the superior fabric for warmth and breathability. Spring for the knit wool blanket, you won’t be sorry.
Most fleece is just polyester, aka plastic. Warm, sure, but fleece blankets don’t breathe at all. Probably a major source of microplastics too.
Nothing like a terry cloth bathrobe for true luxury around the home. Skips all pretenses of looking presentable for pure domestic comfort.
Just because they’re pants doesn’t mean they should be worn out of the house. Have we lost all aesthetic standards? Comfortable at home or when working out, but let’s be real, a robe is far superior.
More modern Chinese cuisine, cooking various pieces of meat and vegetables in simmering broth. Very good, especially if you like spicy szechuan peppercorns (mouth goes numb yummm).
The typical American “Chinese Food” has fallen off in recent years. General Tso’s chicken and crab rangoon do hit from time to time, but feel increasingly artificial in the culinary landscape.
Skibidi rizz aura maxxing, or whatever the Gen Alpha kids are saying. Unclear what this means but we like the vibe.
Did you know “Ohio” is Gen Alpha slang for something strange or weird? We support this. These kids are alright.
Vintage ’80s vinyl is the peak of the medium, mixed and mastered specifically for it. The rich soundstage is incredible.
Nice as a collectible object, great to support artists you love, but often underwhelming acoustically. If you find a new band that sounds better on vinyl, they really know their stuff!
Reports saying that “goth girls” are majorly popular right now. Wearing black will never go out of style.
You don’t need Japanese selvedge denim for your office job. The workwear trend is over.
Is coffee good for you??? How many articles do we need on this? Yes, it’s good for you. Drink up.
Tastes like medicine and filled with God-only-knows-what strange chemicals. Get yourself a cup of joe instead.
Your grandma was right—not only is plain old Aspirin the best painkiller for that headache, it’s a potent remedy for illness, inflammation, and some say even depression.
Unless it’s on doctor’s orders, please steer clear of the world’s most potent, and dangerous, opioid.
Genuine authenticity matters, especially in a symbol of love. Must we say it again? There’s nothing like the real thing.
They may look like diamonds, sparkle like diamonds, and cost less than diamonds, but you’ll always know they’re synthetic copies.
Road trip vibes are immaculate. Nothing like a motor running, fresh tunes, gas station coffee, and the open road.
Speed is the only virtue of flying. Cramped seats, stale air, and getting groped in security are the costs. A sad decline from air travel’s former days of luxury.
Timeless classics, never out of style. We’ll forgive them for selling out to Luxottica.
Reminder that these exist and no one uses them. Turns out, people like their real eyeballs better than Apple’s replacements.
The original game of world domination (played by two guys who can barely run their own lives).
Have you heard of “speed monopoly”? You just take turns punching each other in the arm until everyone gets mad and leaves. Same result as the game!
Nothing like the smell of real wood burning and crackling in the fire. Well worth the hassle.
Burning natural gas just isn’t the same. Convenient, sure, but they fall short of the real thing in every way.
New Year’s Eve is the perfect time for a nice stogie. We like a nice maduro, from Honduras or Nicaragua, or maybe even Cuba… we won’t tell.
Emptying out a nice cigar (well, swisher sweets aren’t exactly nice) and filling it with weed? Grow up!
Pure electricity, you can feel the difference with fresh pressed orange juice. The miracle of the modern supply chain means fresh oranges even in winter. Worth the hassle, every time.
The fancy cold-pressed stuff is OK, but the standard commercial heat-pressed varieties… once you squeeze some oranges yourself, you can never go back.
If you got Legos for Christmas, boy, are you lucky… the best children’s toy there is.
Ugly dolls for media-obsessed redditors who never learned how to “do adulting.”
Crochet and its more elaborate cousin, knitting, are “so back.” Many are saying this. Much better use for your fingers than scrolling.
What’s worse, the impending carpal tunnel syndrome from swiping with your thumb all day, or the guaranteed brain rot?
Reject this woke, all-inclusive greeting that actually means nothing to no one.
The perfect hobby, form and function united. Put down the controller and make something with your hands, fellas.
Still wasting time playing this decade-old crime and murder simulator? Let it go, king, and get yourself a band saw and some lumber instead.
The coziest game of all time, and it somehow also teaches you some basics of farming and entrepreneurship (and how to fight skeletons in caves).
The children may yearn for the mines, but all that time spent digging in Minecraft would be better spent building something real (or at least a virtual farm).
Eggnog is a great winter treat. Especially homemade with real eggs and just a bit more nutmeg than the recipe calls for. Add a little brandy… Merry Christmas.
Milk-based cocktails you can make yourself are always better, like White Russians.
Too strong on the coffee and chocolate notes, too over-hopped. Maybe there’s a good one in London somewhere, but generally, they’re over the top.
There’s no substitute for holding a real book in your hand. Spring for the hardcover for ones you really love, they do last longer.
Convenient, sure, but you’re missing out on the physical experience. In the digital age, flipping real pages is a small luxury.
The real cure to the loneliness epidemic. Go out, talk to people. You might make some friends, or even meet that special someone!
Dating apps don’t work, and their fading popularity testifies to that. People are done with the apps.
A certified Michigan classic. Even the e-girls have caught on. Will keep you warm all winter.
Enough already. Time to retire the beanie, from the slouchy hipster beanie to the neon Carhartt garb.
The warm light from an incandescent bulb, full-spectrum, with no flicker. We swear it feels more cozy.
Sure, they last longer and use less energy, but the flicker rate and light spectrum feel unnatural. The new LED streetlights are particularly offensive.
Worth the effort, every time. Pro-tip: Smash the garlic with the flat edge of your knife, then the peel comes right off.
An affront to Italians everywhere. Lazy and sub-par compared to the real thing.
Hard working cashiers are the last line of defense between civilization and the machines. Having your groceries bagged for you should be normal, though it feels luxurious.
Alienation, automation, the machines are taking jobs! More important, who really enjoys bagging their own groceries?
Enjoyers, rest easy—you all made the nice list this year (rumor has it Gov. Whitmer made the naughty list…). Make sure to leave out some raw milk and cookies!
Where do they think the presents even come from? Like, they just appear under the tree? So unserious.
The delightful belgian ale with the pink elephant logo (not the debilitating effects of late-stage alcoholism).
Unless you’re literally in Dublin, or you have a genuine Irish bartender who knows how to pour it right and keeps the tap fresh… not worth it.
We must protect the Rizzler at all costs. Or, as the French call him, ‘le charismeur.’
Reports confirm that A&F is back in a big way. Not just for 2000s nostalgia, their new stuff is cool and well made.
Athleisure is as dead as disco. Skip the form-fitting polyester and wait for the inevitable retro ‘90s rebrand in a few years.
Authenticity is always worth the hassle, not to mention the fresh smell of pine.
Fake plastic, fake tree, fake Christmas. Every time you look at it, you know it isn’t real.
The classic lidded pot for braising, stews, baking, etc. Le Creuset is a status symbol, but any enameled cast iron will get the job done.
Imagine cooking your food in a plastic diaper just to save a few minutes cleaning a pot. Disgraceful.
That subtle flare is the difference between being in style, and being out of style, according to the latest Gen Z dictates.
Another millennial staple gone the way of the dodo bird. Hide them in the closet with your skinny jeans until they inevitably stage a comeback in the 2030s.
Rendered beef fat is all the rage, from cooking to skin care. McDonald’s used to use it, and many say the fries were better.
Rapeseed oil (aka “Canola” oil, a clever rebrand) makes you fat. We’d explain the science, but just trust us. Another fake processed oil, closer to motor oil than anything belonging in your pantry.
The Thanksgiving classic for good reason, pumpkin pie hits just right after turkey.
Maybe if you made it with real chocolate, but store bought gooey fake chocolate never satisfies.
Thank your local firefighters, especially when they save you from burning your house down with that deep fried turkey.
Doesn’t taste any better than a roast bird. Not worth burning your house down, like people do every year (pro tip: thaw the bird first if you insist on this).
We’re pro skiing in general, but especially with Shaggy’s skis, custom made in northern Michigan.
Unless you’re rocking sick halfpipe tricks at the Olympics, stick to winter’s original mode of transportation, skis.
Nothing keeps you warmer, or has better vibes, than a real wood stove in the winter time.
What even are these things? Fake simulations of a fire with an uncanny glow. Go with the real thing, or don’t bother!
Eating the heart of your first deer is a time-honored tradition, one we fully support.
Well, they’re better than fake meat. But they still never satisfy like the real thing.
Return to tradition and play the most iconic shooter of all time.
Dropping into Tilted Towers may have been fun in 2018, but Fortnite lost its aura with the first virtual Travis Scott concert.
It’s an iconic thanksgiving tradition and we won’t hear otherwise.
Look, we respect the effort, but it simply doesn’t hit like the canned sauce does.
Mert’s Meats in Okemos stocks all your carnivorous necessities, like Camel and Alligator.
Skip this big chain and check out your local farmer’s market, butcher, and produce stands instead.
We have strong opinions about women’s hairstyles at Enjoyer HQ. A big one? The side part is back.
Unless you’re the wife (or mistress) of a mob boss, ditch the acrylics.
Hear us out on this one… tangy dill pickles on a white pizza really hits different.
Most pizza joints do this so wrong, with soggy canned mushrooms. Unless they’re locally foraged and roasted, steer clear.
No Fall is complete without a Twin Peaks rewatch (or first watch, if you’ve never indulged in David Lynch’s cult classic drama).
We respect that they keep making them, and support those who enjoy them… but can’t stomach them ourselves.
Trader Joe’s frozen microwave meals are soulless, and two buck Chuck (now four buck Chuck) gives the worst hangovers ever.
Sources tell us this is key to increasing your metabolism. Somehow. Just don’t stare right into the light.
Touching grass is one thing, but plugging your bed into the third prong of an electrical outlet? We refuse to believe it.
The Midwest emo band, not the sport. Well, also the sport. But the band, they’re the sound of fall in the Midwest.
Did you know pet squirrels were popular pets in colonial America? It’s time to return to tradition.
Bourbon is the real American Whiskey (Rye, too). On election day especially, you’re gonna need it.
Scotch whisky is so overrated. No surprise for a drink flavored by roasting barley over burning dirt (peat).
You do know that DST makes you get up an hour earlier all summer, right?
Cedar-lined, dry saunas are the key to getting through a Michigan winter. Preferably outdoors with a wood stove.
Don’t fall for the meme, cold plunges are stressful for your body and, even worse, highly unenjoyable.
When you pull up to the house handing out full-sized Reese’s Cups on Halloween, you know you hit the jackpot.
The terrible reign of Candy Corn as the Halloween candy of choice must end.
Timeless British classics, even though they’re made in China now. They even survived hipster appropriation.
Fermented sourdough bread with butter is a true pleasure of life. Less gluten, naturally.
The whole wheat meme has gone on long enough. Not healthier, tastes worse, stop punishing yourself.
Yet another millennial beloved by the zoomers. Sources tell me, even Trump stans Bladee.
British friends of Enjoyer tell us she’s a “fake chav who’s secretly posh.” The evidence is damning. A brat—and not a cool one.
Uggs are back, we proclaim. Just… maybe not for men. Unless you’re Michigan legend Tom Brady.
These strange toed boots of wannabe coastal aesthetes would never survive a Michigan winter.
Rumor has it they served this on Epstein island. Or, at least, that he was connected with the owner.
The superior coffee brewing method. So iconic, it’s in the Museum of Modern Art.
Perfect for an over-brewed, bitter tasting cup of coffee with lots of grit in it. If that’s your thing.
The best supermarket ice cream brand by far. Cream, eggs, sugar—no funny business.
Hearing reports that Ben (and possibly Jerry) have gone woke. Overrated ice cream anyways.
Military surplus clothing and accessories are trending in a big way. Cheap, rugged, and affordable.
Most thrift shops are overpriced resellers these days. Unless you find a true bargain, the best days of thrifting are sadly over.
This Traverse City company nails it with their crispy kettle chips.
Fall is here in the mitten and that means only one thing—time to dig out those thick wool socks.
Shoes make the man, as they say. Time to grow up and get a nice pair of leather shoes.
Unless you’re headed to the track or the basketball court, it’s time to ditch the sneakers.
If you were going into combat tomorrow… you’d want a Casio on your wrist (or a Rolex).
The halfway point between cheap materials and a faux luxury aesthetic.
The truest physical medium for audio. Timeless and irreplaceable, albums as physical objects.
The original Midwest card game. Go it alone, win all five tricks, score 4 points! Just be sure not to renege…
Unless you have a cigar in hand and hard cash on the table, the 2000s poker craze is played out.
Millennials went too far with this off-color card game… stopped being funny a decade ago.
Get out and listen to music the way it’s meant to be heard. Live and in the flesh.
Traditional, pristine, get your kids to scoop out the seeds and carve one with you.
Gaudy plastic figures filled with stale air… did someone call for a bow and arrow?
Frat boy allegations aside, Jägermeister is the superior herbal digestif.
Don’t let the zoomers fool you, there will NOT be a skinny jean renaissance any time soon.
God’s hydration. If only there were coconuts in Michigan… we’ll let it slide.
Worth every penny (and you better start digging in the couch, you’ll need them).
These cheap chairs are everywhere… once you start seeing them, you can’t unsee.
Hard yes. Fresh, crisp apples straight from the trees. Apple pie is inevitable.
Is it really worth picking a fresh pumpkin that you won’t even eat? Stick to the apples…
Perfect for those crisp Michigan fall days. Midwest Nice—a personal favorite.
Live in the pod, eat the bugs. They’ll happily do that instead of you (and give you eggs).
Gave the boys a pack of these and they raved for days. A great smoke—plain and simple.
No better feeling than cashing in those tickets for candy and plastic toys.
You realize this is just another tax, right? A few players win, the rest goes to the government.
Sitting out back of the dive with a drink in hand is one of life’s rare pleasures.
Imagine being seen on one of these. Don’t accidentally take it on the highway!
Look, they’re cool—but above the Mason-Dixon line, it’s stolen valor if you don’t really ride horses.
Skip the fluoride and pesticides, choose a nice mineral water instead (or get a filter).
Double butterburger deluxe, cheese curds, custard, and root beer. Your soul will thank you.
Otherwise known as “Wife Pleasers” or an even more unsavory name… these are back in a big way.
Milk and ice cream from the DQ counter, who’d have thought. Have you ever tried to eat a cone with a mustache? Not recommended.
Your swing speed doesn’t matter once you’re slicing it out on the course.
Real sugar straight from your very own maple trees. Treat yourself to some genuine sweetness.
Who decided this weird herb should be in every drink? Gross fake sweetness tricking your taste buds.
Vibes on campus hit different that first week back (until papers start coming due).
Not the boats—the awkward “getting-to-know-you” games the prof makes you play after droning on about the syllabus… mortifying.
Pre-packaged chai concentrate? No thank you. Unless it’s the real deal, we steer clear.
All the gear in the world won’t change the fact that you’re a yuppy who can hardly even pitch a tent.
Pure ’90s arcade vibes, but impossible to actually play without crashing.
Charging stations for your iPhone in Detroit parks? Touch grass instead.
Renting them by the minute with an app just to avoid using your legs… no one asked for these to plague every downtown.
Michigan Summer means fishing and jumping off the pier with your buddies.
Ann Arbor’s legendary arcade (rumors exist of an East Lansing location too?). Get to its iconic basement location before it moves next year!
Fancy olive oil in a plastic squirt bottle. A millennial marketing guru’s wet dream.
Nothing beats tooling around a parking lot in your cool uncle’s firebird. Mustache and mullet required.
Amazon should ditch their trucks and really go green, like they’re forced to do on Mackinac Island.
Excellent beach, but swamped with tourists all summer. Locals know to steer clear.
Peaters could be here… full sugar Coke is a potent elixir, touted by esoteric health gurus (do NOT google “Dr. Ray Peat”) and e-girls alike.
Downtown Holland’s latest gem. Get yourself a blueberry donut to go.
Overpriced kitschy cherry candy, cherry salsa, cherry wine… cherry everything, for tourists only.
Summer ice cream hits different at the seasonal, old school Dairy Queens with just an outdoor counter.
Vintage trucker hats from golf courses, car dealerships, engine clubs… the anti “dad cap”.
Yuck. A necessity for backwoods adventurers, but who can stomach the sickly fumes otherwise?
Oakleys walk the line between irony and functionality. They have Y2K nostalgia, but your kids won’t hate you for wearing them. Vintage pairs best found on eBay.
Beer snobs have gaslighted us for too long. These overly engineeredextra-hoppy brews taste terrible. They’re virtually a built-in ad for Excedrin.
Soybean, Canola, etc. Did you know they make you sunburn? And are generally awful for you? Skip the FDA recommendation on this one and stick to good ol’ saturated fat.
What’s the matter, scared of the real thing? One of nature’s potent elixirs of strength. Full of probiotics and enzymes. The weak fear raw milk. Only legally sold as “pet food,” and “bath milk,” but really, whatever you do with it is up to you.
It’s not “oat milk,” it’s “canola oil with oat flavoring.” Full of enough emulsifiers to make it viscous and wreck your microbiome. A gross, fake attempt at substituting dairy.
Hit the links at this gorgeous golf course carved out of an old Gypsum mine just west of Grand Rapids. If you’re prone to slicing, bring some extra beers. You’re gonna need them.
You’re driving along the highway then BAM, your heart drops into the pit of your stomach, the red lights start flashing behind you. You’re getting pulled over. Never as bad as it seems, but still—a $150 ticket and a long court appearance for going 10 over the limit. That’s just bad luck.
Jellyfish are pretty—but they do sting. Another reason saltwater is overrated. You can’t even drink it!
Ditch the outboard and hoist the main. Sailing makes you aware of the world. You aren’t conquering the water by cutting through the chop and wind with a two-stroke, you’re working to find harmony. Plus, sailing isn’t just for the yacht club crowd: a little boat won’t break the bank and you never have to gas up. You just have to wait for a breeze and set off.
The Michigan nanny state wants to fine you for piloting your wake boat too close to the shore. They’ll get out their measuring tapes and wag their fingers in your face for simply enjoying yourself on the water. Here’s a thought; trust boaters to act responsibly, let Michiganders protect their own lakes, stop policing the boating equivalent of a microaggression in yet another craven revenue scheme.
Hearing reports that Charli XCX has gone woke?? Brats are NOT to be trusted. Go celebrate the REAL “brat summer” and enjoy a nice bratwurst instead, kings.
The birds, not the people. Not to be confused with ducks, geese, or other web-footed aquatic birds. You can spot them on freshwater lakes throughout Michigan, eating fish and pebbles from the bottom (gotta get that fiber somehow).
These European invaders have been the scourge of the Great Lakes since the 1980s, when they were released in the ballast of cargo ships. Now the beaches of the Great Lakes are festooned with their sharp shells, and water-shoe makers are making tidy profits off of Michiganders. If anyone has any eradication ideas, we’re taking suggestions.
Heading north from Pentwater on Bass Lake 500, swing around the tight corners, cut through the forest. Old cabins and gravel driveways line the road. The canopy of trees opens up, and an old sign that reads “Fish” appears on the right. This is where Bortell’s Fisheries lives.
A concrete building painted with a name, date, and a few fish. An array of fresh fish under glass. A fryer sizzling in the corner. Family-owned, 126 years old. The workers behind the counter are the sixth generation.
Picnic tables on green grass, overlooking the big lake. Waves rolling in. Evening sun shining. Wind in my hair. It’s 2024, but it could be 2004 or 1974. It’s heaven in this hidden corner on the Big Lake.
Garish neon goggles for guys who got cut from their JV basketball team. Adopted ironically, but irony is only cool for so long.
A classic sub counter serving up sandwiches the old fashioned way. You’ll find it down a hallway in a random office building in downtown Grand Rapids. Straight up subs—lunch meat, fresh bread, all the classic toppings. A nice Coke to wash it down. Always hits.
Safetyism to the extreme. It’s like a mask for your cone. Eat your ice cream unprotected like a man (or child).
Michigan’s best independent grocery store. Crazy selection of fresh produce, groceries, pizza, and even a beer garden. Lansing, Kentwood, and Battle Creek—you guys are spoiled.
Cheap Chinese plastic in bright fluorescent lighting, along with the worst produce sections in all of Michigan. No thanks.
Real pinball heads know. If you show up at your local pinball place and they have Elvira… they’re legit. One of the most iconic tables of all time.
For some inexplicable reason, the governor’s youthful, tapped-in social media team has been posing a Barbie doll meant to resemble her. “Lil Gretch,” the character is called.
Maybe this is meant to show little girls that they too could become governor, but it’s undeniably cringe. The governor’s office is no place for toys.
This isn’t the status symbol owners think it is. It is a Michigander’s duty to reject Japanese-made cars. But somehow driving a British car is even worse. Endless repairs, for what? That strange microwave box people put on the rear window doesn’t even look that cool.
Full-sized, curvy-bodied V6 with leather seats and decades of legacy. Rides like a dream. Even has a French name. They sure don’t make them like this anymore—but great news, you can find them used for less than two grand!
Michigan has insanely good Mexican food—too many spots to list. When you see the tiny roadside building with just a neon sign and a single table inside, you know the birria tacos are going to change your life.
Skip the seed-oil-filled garbage snacks at your local highway rest stop. Take the next exit, and find the nearest hole-in-the-wall hot dog stand or taco place instead.
Creed. For years, Nickelback and Creed were safe targets for jokes. According to the internet humor of the 2010s, these late rock bands have no value beyond their memeability. That is until their halftime performance at the November 2001 Dallas Cowboys Thanksgiving Day game went extremely viral on Twitter.
Although the video is dated, it became clear to Gen Z that this era of rock has its merits. The anti-Creed psyop was exposed, and Creed has been recognized for the excellent band they are.
By the mid-2000s, Eminem lost his Detroit tweaker aggression and seemed to lose his artistic spark along with it. His 2017 BET Awards Trump freestyle was rock bottom. How did one of the most subversive acts of all time become indistinguishable from activist-rapper Macklemore. The establishment should rejoice that Eminem’s message was neutered, or else he would command a loyal army of fans that would make the system deeply uncomfortable.
Michigan highway rest stops have free Naloxone now?? Perfect for your trip up north!
Keep your thin crust, we want those deep, crispy edges baked right in the pan. The real Detroit style classic.
The (un)official beer of Michigan Summer. An easy drinking wheat ale with just a bit of citrus.
Don’t forget your flannel shirt, hoppy IPA and beard oil! Paying to throw an axe when you could chop real wood like a man for free… how embarrassing.
Laser tag is a lost art. Millennials and older Zoomers remember beautiful Saturday afternoon birthday parties thrown at a blacklight, air conditioning-blasted extraterrestrial planet inside a strip mall. We are due a laser tag revival.
This order is a red flag for women. Even bigger red flag for men. Be a man and drink a Zombie.
This 1934 rum punch was formulated as an ultra strong drink for a time when the average American’s alcohol tolerance was far higher. So for modern consumers, this cocktail is an intense experience. Truly delicious. Perfect way to beat the summer heat in Grand Rapids.
Custom 4-wheel off-roaders, buggies, ATVs, dirt bikes, whatever these intrepid Michiganders can cook up. Wheeling them hard through the dirt around a curve, a jump here and there, up and down the hills. Gasoline in their veins, what a blast.
You don’t get there by accident.
Driving. I pass Good Hart and then Cross Village. M-119 drops off and I keep going. The road gets worse. It’s one of those Michigan roads everyone jokes about. Cell phone service dies away, and Google Maps goes into offline mode. Come to a stop sign. Take the left onto N Lakeshore Drive. Surrounded by dunes on the right and the lake on my left. There are no designated parking spots. There’s only the craggy road. Pull off. No concession stand. No bathroom. No lifeguard. There’s no one here. There’s a party store that sells beer four miles away on W Sturgeon Bay Road.
Sad to say, the desolate sprawl in SE Michigan lies host to many a dilapidated house. Ruin-porn is so played out—find something new, you photographic leeches. Best not wander inside, you never know who’s sleeping in there.
The suburban surfboard on wheels, carving pavement, wind in your hair. Bomb down the hill. it’s all the same. Not transportation, freedom. Freedom to cruise the world on your own terms. If anything, they teach you how to fall with grace.
Relax, Michigander. Pull up a chair—an Adirondack chair, the perfect chair for chilling outdoors. Crack open a cold one and admire the view. The subtle recline, the sunken back seat, the bright colors usher you right into the spirit of a Michigan summer. Enjoy yourself and take it easy, this is how we win.
Whip-its cause brain damage, literally, that’s what produces their sensation. Don’t be tempted by the deals (two for $45!) at your local convenience store with bars on the windows. It’s not worth it, folks. (NOT speaking from experience or anything.)
Go far enough in Michigan, and you’ll find yourself on a dirt road. Maybe on the map, maybe not. No pavement, just vibes. This is how you know you’re really out there, in that remaining wilderness we call home. Kick it into 4-wheel-drive and see where the road takes you.
Hitting the dunes in a buggy is some of the best fun you can have in Michigan. The open throttle, the tires kicking up sand as you race along the beach. Just be careful you don’t take it a little too hot over a dune—but hey, that’s what the roll cage is for.
It doesn’t take a peer-reviewed study on EMFs to determine that AirPods are not cool. The battery life is awful and no matter how normalized they are, they look stupid.
Be an adult and stop complaining about wires being uncomfortable.
Compare them with the other regional cult-status corn dog, the Fletcher’s Corny Dog at the State Fair of Texas. What sets the Pronto Pup apart is its uniquely low batter-to-meat ratio. The Texas corny dog is wieldy and difficult to eat. The Pronto Pup is the embodiment of Midwestern engineering and pragmatism. A vastly more enjoyable dish.
Michigan tart cherries symbolize the tie of Michiganders to the land, and its ability for regeneration. They’re a potent anti-inflammatory, with just enough natural melatonin to help you sleep. They grow in the ground, they’re picked by farmers, and you’ll never see an obnoxious ad for them on TV like some big pharma pill. Go to the market, bring a basket, and buy some local fruit from a Michigan farmer you can look in the face.
Weed superstores. I don’t want to hear your high school debate team talking points about “tax revenue” or “personal liberty.” There shouldn’t be this many weed stores in Michigan. They make our state so much uglier and trashier—this is an observable fact.
Many Detroit bars have prominently displayed CCTV screens for patrons to keep an eye on their cars. Not as immediately entertaining as ESPN, but it can be hard to look away. Imagine if things got weird and you got to watch a bar fight or drug bust from the comfort of your barstool. Better television than anything cable can provide.
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